Blue Sunshine ftw! <3

[bee_york]

In non-baby-hating related news, I had a LOT of fun with rilms last night at the Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog actual sing-a-long at the awesome & wonderful Blue Sunshine. SO much fun, omg! I REAALLLLYYY needed that.

Tonight shadaloo and Drew are coming over and we're gonna watch some He-Man and maybe some other 80s cartoons...yayness! Tomorrow Tali's coming over in the afternoon to watch the season 3 finale of Lost (I cannot WAIT to show it to her, seeing as it ends with my absolute favourite twist in any work of fiction of ALL time), and then in the evening I'm going to Nat's place for dinner, drinking, and reunion time with the old gang. I know I say this so often it's lost all meaning, but: West Island represent! lol

Sunday I'm going to that Salon de Marriage thingy at Palais de Congres with my mum, and then the next day I'll be subbing for her, but just in the afternoon, so I won't have to worry about insomnia bullshit. Whew!

Speaking of subbing, I got called by the subbing HQ this morning. o_O I didn't answer the phone but I saw that they called. Guess they don't hate me after all. They've called me 4 times this week. I really want to take all these jobs and make some $$$...yeaaah it'll cut out my EI but that means EI I can have stored for a later use. Basically it's a win/win situation. Assuming I stop having these fucked-up panic attacks, that is. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I'm frustrated. But I don't want to turn this into one of THOSE kinds of posts. I'm simply writing this post so I can remember what I did a few months from now. I miss being able to go through my LJ and see what I did and when, so I'm trying to update regularly, mentioning at least MOST things that I've done during the week, and this is meant to be one of those posts. Not a post about how fucking miserable I actually am. ARGHHHH.

It's just a bad phase, I'll get through this and be back to 'normal' again (as if I'm 'normal', lol...) Juuuust a matter of time, that's all! I can get through this. But the mixture of guilt I feel when I skip a subbing job versus the insonmia and panic attack inducing anxiety when I take one on (NOT counting at my mom's school cuz I fracking LOVE that school) is an intense and suffocating catch-22 of utter despair. And with all the crazy OCD chattering going on in my brain on top of it all...omg I don't know how much longer I can put up with this shit!

Comments

[dzuunmod.livejournal.com]

I really relate to where you're at - I had a terrible spate of work-related panic attacks during my last month in the Education Department last year.

Not fun at all. :(

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

Omg, are you serious?! I had no idea! :( Do you get all sweaty and nauseous too? Ugh. They're the worst, aren't they?

I used to get them every Tuesday like clockwork when I had my first contract--mostly, I think, because I only worked part-time and couldn't really ever get into the rythym of things, really. Also, I that was back when I had stopped taking my meds. Last year I didn't have that problem at all! Not in the slightest. It was so wonderful. ;___;

[dzuunmod.livejournal.com]

For me it was tears and hyperventilating more, but some sweat and sickness, too. I had about two weeks left in my term in Education when I had to go on short-term disability because the stress of the job was too much for me. One morning, I literally snuck into the building where I worked (before everyone else arrived) just so that I could make sure my employees' timesheets were processed and they would be paid. I did that in like 5 minutes, and then walked out of the office and had a panic attack a few blocks away. I never set foot in the place again and didn't look back.

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

Oh wow that sucks! I'm sorry to hear that. :( Bleh. It's such a shit feeling. To answer your question below, I don't have a coping mechanism! I've just...lived with it until now, and now it's like, it's too much, on top of everything else. So I didn't take the subbing job. And they've called back since and I simply didn't answer the phone. :/

I knooowwww avoidance isn't the solution, obviously, but there's only so far you can go and still handle it, is pretty much how I feel about it all.

[dzuunmod.livejournal.com]

What's your best coping mechanism?

[lostsailors.livejournal.com]

I relate like your friend up there as well. I have such terrible anxiety. I am pretty sure I probably should get back on some medication, but none of that is happening until I have a steady job again. It really is ABSOLUTELY devastating and you feel like you can't do anything. Couple that with depression and I don't know why anyone talks to me ever!

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

Omg. It's not even that it's gotten worse. I just...I just can't handle/don't know how to handle it anymore, on top of the OCD and all. It's too much, and I am absolutely and positively out of mental strength (and physical strength) at this point.