What the hell is going on with today?!

[bee_york]

As if I'm not anxious and pissed off enough about what's happening with the neighbours, I go check my balance on my bank account online to see how much spare cash I have exactly to last me until my next pay cheque (which is in 1.5 weeks). After my rent cheque goes through, I should have somewhere in the range of $60-$70 to last me for the next 12 days or so.
But no. I just got charged $114 for my student loan payment, even though I already paid it this month. I guess I'm on some kind of automatic payment plan that I didn't know about. Whatever, it doesn't matter--what's done is done, and now I don't have enough cash left to pay my rent. My rent cheque is going to bounce. WHAT THE FUCK. I e-mailed Mike at work to see if he can lend me some money to pay the rent--if he can't, I'll have to take a cash advance on my credit card to deposit into my account to make sure the rent cheque doesn't bounce. LUCKILY I just happen to have enough space on one of my credit cards to do this--the other one is maxed out.
Fuck, working only part-time *really* sucks hardcore.

What the hell is going on with today?!?! I've been counting down to this day for months now. It's not supposed to suck so much!
I guess I should look at the bright side---if I didn't have Lost to look forward to tonight, I should think of how much suckier this day would be, how much more frustrated I would be with all these slights and fucks-up. At least today I have my favourite thing in the world awaiting me in 8 hours. So no matter how much today sucks, there is going to be some awesomeness at the end of it.

And at least my OCD has been behaving itself these days. I'd rather be harassed by my neighbours and have cheques bounce and be anxious about money & tickets for noise violations that I never violated in the first place rather than have OCD hanging over my head. So today really isn't sucking as badly as it could be.

I'm still in a shitty mood though. Sometimes that's hard to shake, no matter how positive your thinking is, no matter how lucky you know you are!

Comments

[sabatoa.livejournal.com]

My soon to be ex has OCD, I'm extremely familiar with it. How old were you when you were diagnosed? Do you have true OCD or more of an obsessive compulsive personality?

[lucyskydiamonds.livejournal.com]

Call your student loan department. If they screwed up, they can reverse this extra charge.

You can ask your bank for overdraft protection as well. This will avoid stupid bank charges when your rent bounces by like... $20.

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

I have severe OCD. I've been on and off medication for it and in and out of therapy for 10 years now. I had all kinds of very obsessive tendencies when I was as young as 2, apparently, but I didn't realize I had OCD until I was 18.

What kind of OCD does your ex have? I don't have any visible compulsions. My problem is obsessions (obsessive thoughts of the most gruesome, horrid nature). I do have compulsions/rituals, but they're all mental, so it's not like anyone can see them, ya know? (As opposed to people whose compulsions are checking things or tapping things, etc.)

It's depressing you had to ask if I even had true OCD--I don't mean it's depressing that you asked me, but I mean it's depressing the way people just throw that word around like it means nothing. People will tell me things like, "I gotta check the door 3 times before I leave the house I'm so OCD LOL" or "I need to eat things on the right side of my mouth in ABC order or else my mom will die in a car accident" and I'm like...uhhh no, that's not OCD. As weird or quirky as those rituals are, they're actually quite normal. When I tell people that my obsessions take up 10-12 hours a day (if not more) of thinking them through, and I've called in sick to work and stayed home from school in order to "think out" all my thoughts, they always act so shocked. Which says how real their OCD is, ya know? If it doesn't interfere with someone's daily life, then OCD is not really a problem for them, and they shouldn't claim that it is.

Wow sorry for the totally TL;DR rant there, LOL. It's just such a touchy subject for me. It's a shame the way people throw the word OCD around, cheapen its meaning, and trivialize how godawful and sickeningly life-consuming it is. ;(

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

This is true! I think I may have gotten overdraft at some point, but I can't even remember anymore, ugh.

Anyway, thanks for the comment. :)

[sabatoa.livejournal.com]

Her OCD can be quite severe too. She has classic obsessions about horrible things. Her compulsions are checking/rechecking and litanies. Oh the litanies...

Often she had to come home from work or stay home from work because she was struggling. When I could I would go home too for her.

Prior to getting pregnant she was taking three medications but she dropped down to one once we found out we were pregnant. She also sees a psychiatrist quarterly for medication management.

She's supposed to see a counselor too but she never was very good and being consistent with that..

She'd dealt with things from her early teens but she wasn't diagnosed until after we got married. In fact, just after our 1 year anniversary she was in-patient for a couple of weeks. It was then that we finally knew what it was that she struggled with.

I agree by the way about how sad that I had to clarify with you about whether you really had it or not. As you well know, so many people throw the term out there without a clue as to the true and horrific struggle OCD can bring.

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that! What kind of medication was she on, if you don't mind my asking? The last medication I was on was Effexor. The side effects were crappy and after being on it for awhile my mind started to feel all fuzzy and weird so i weened off them under the watch of my old doctor (it took 7 weeks) only to realize I can be a mess without any medication at all. It's been a long, hard journey trying to get back on them....a really long and frustrating story, that one is. I'm getting closer though, finally.

Incidentally, I had no idea what a litany was, so I had to look it up. I learned a new word today! :D

On a more serious note though, it's a shame she couldn't get into counseling because I found therapy was the ULTIMATE life-saver. You need to know how to deal with the thoughts as they come, when they come. I strongly advice COGNITIVE therapy though. I have never been to any other kind of therapy and therefore could not really comment on it.
Even so, finding a good, understanding, and competent therapist isn't always that easy....I've been really lucky, I have to say.

[sabatoa.livejournal.com]

Prozac, Geodon and Anafranil right before the pregnancy. She'd taken Effexor in the past and in the very beginning she took Zyprexa but that drug caused her to gain massive weight, which she was never able to lose.

[bee-york.livejournal.com]

I've never heard of Geodon, Anafranil, or Zyprexa.
When I was 18, I was on Celexa, and when I was 19, Luvox. Celexa made me feel like I was insane. I got really agressive and acted like a rebellious 14-year-old even though I was a frakking adult. It was awful. That said, I was a ridiculously YOUNG adult--someone who is only 18 years old should NOT be given SNRIs, especially Celexa, omg.

Luvox made me feel numb and blank. It sucked.

[sabatoa.livejournal.com]

She took Luvox in the very beginning with the Zyprexa. It wasn't long before they switched her to the prozac though.